There was this gnat in my kitchen. A gnat I had been trying to kill for a couple days. Actually I think it was a fruit fly because there were two others (who I did happily manage to murder) and they were a bit bigger than a gnat. Regardless, fruit fly sounds somehow “smarter” so I am going to call this guy a gnat. I blame it all on him.

It was about 6:00 pm and I had just finished a spinach salad and was getting out some sourdough bread to slice, and some salami and cheese to nibble on. Ah you probably think you know where this is going don’t you? Because of the “bread to slice” part, right? But you would be oh so wrong.

So the bread was on the cutting board and then I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He flew into the area and then had the NERVE to land on the counter, just an arms reach away from me. This outraged me because of course I am not going to let him just land there, mocking me and then fly away. In a flash I reached my right arm out and brought it down HARD onto the counter. But immediately I realized I missed the gnat and instead slammed my thumb onto a shiny new metal pipe thingie that was sitting there. It had a really sharp edge. Gulp.

I looked at my thumb, saw a huge deep slice, tons of blood and kind of panicked. I have cut myself many times in the kitchen (I’m sort of a klutz with knives) but nothing ever like this. Mr. VV was right there when it happened so we immediately went into E.R. mode. Well I should say he did. I actually just stood there looking away, mildly freaking out, feeling like I was going to pass out and realizing why I never was interested in going into medicine. He wrapped my thumb in gauze and tape, got an ice pack, then we left for the emergency room. The part that really freaked me out was the part I didn’t even see. The cut was deep into my thumbnail also…

On ice

It was a fairly uneventful trip, and for a such a rainy night we didn’t have to wait long until the doctor came in. He looked my finger but needed to find some fingernail polish remover to really see the damage to the actual nail. Oh man did I dread this part because if ever you have had even a tiny paper-cut and got remover in it, you KNOW how bad it stings! This was like that to the millionth power. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, he gave me numbing shots into my hand and finger first. Let’s just say those shots hurt worse than my last couple kidney stones. And I am no shot weenie either. Oh also I got a tetanus shot while I was there (yay?). Anyway, so I was getting numb and he was going to town on my nail with these remover wipes. He was wiping for what seemed like an eternity asking me if I was wearing some special kind of nail polish. I said “Nope, but you are probably using non-acetone remover, which is why it’s taking so long to come off. Try opening a new one and leave it on the nail for 20 seconds then wipe.” Of course that worked. Then I told him what I did for a living. Kind of a funny moment.

After that came the stitches to my finger. I kept feeling them though so he kept having to give me more numbing shots, much to my dismay. Four stitches in and he was then debating on what to do with the nail. I had a pretty deep and long cut across it. He told me in the past they used to always entirely remove the fingernail to make sure the nail bed itself wasn’t damaged. But after awhile they realized it didn’t seem to make much of a difference to remove or not remove it because frequently the nail never grows back the same way anyway. Great.  At this stage I had medieval England on my mind and him ripping out my nail with a rusty old pair of pliers. I decided to NOT have it removed to save my sanity. But he told me he would have to put a stitch or two INTO my nail and nail bed…Oh god.

So lucky me, I got yet another numbing shot, this time underneath my fingernail. It was as horrific as you are imagining right now. He did just one stitch on my nail and was satisfied. Whew.

The aftermath

I got Neosporin-ed, wrapped up and sent on my way with instructions to not use it, keep it covered and have stitches removed in 7-10 days.

So sexy

When we got home guess who I saw? Mr. Gnat. I *think* he might have been snickering at us. But he made the fatal error to yet again land on the counter. This time Mr. VV smashed him flat.

Victory is ours!

Also, I think we need a fly swatter…


Written by Kelly
Vampy Varnish is dedicated to showing high resolution makeup and nail polish swatches, and providing honest product reviews.