The Adventures of Bathroom Hunting in San Francisco
This was me yesterday afternoon. Except I wasn’t a cat.
I had a particularly “active” bladder day, considering I drank the same amount of liquid as I usually do.
I was on the way home (which incidentally takes an hour and a half from door to door and three modes of transportation. Company bus to train station. Train to my stop. Car to home) trying to focus on my iPhone rather than the fact that I *really* needed to pee again.
Let’s back up: I kind of had an inkling (not tinkling) I needed to go while I was waiting for my train, but didn’t have time. For you non-Bay Area folks, the train station bathrooms for all underground stations have been closed since 9/11 (REALLY CONVENIENT), but I wasn’t at one of those. However, I had no time because my train was coming in 4 minutes. Also unlike parts of Europe, we do not have bathrooms on our trains.
So I decided to push through the slight nag and pretend everything was normal.
I got on the train, sat down and checked my tweets, Facebook, etc. all the while pretending the urge wasn’t getting stronger. “It’s only a 30 minute ride, you can TOTALLY handle this” I said to myself. I texted Mr. VV and told him I really needed to go, as though that would relieve some of the pressure on my bladder. It didn’t.
About 10 minutes later I was closing in on the last San Francisco train stop before the long 5 minute ride through the transbay tube, underwater. WATER=PEE. I decided I was going to pee my pants if I didn’t get off and find a bathroom. I got off at Embarcadero, called Mr. VV told him I was dying and needed to find a bathroom. I figured it would only take me 5 minutes and I would be on the next train home, maybe 10 minutes later than usual.
I went up the stairs at some random street exit I didn’t even look at, and found myself standing in the middle of all these office buildings, with not much else around. I walked around for a second, and saw a Peet’s Coffee. Score!!
Just as I was walking in, a guy in front of me grabbed the bathroom key, so I went to stand in line behind him. It was 4:00. At 4:05 I was like “DUDE, WTF, get out of the bathroom!”. Two women were also waiting behind me. At 4:07 I was about to lose my mind, so I left in a panicky huff.
I then walked into a high-rise office building and decided to get on an elevator. But there were these weird numbered keypads rather than an “Up” arrow button. I just randomly clicked one then an elevator opened up. I walked inside and noticed THERE WERE NO FLOOR BUTTONS! At the last second I stuck my hand out to open the door and left the office building, panicking even more.
I called Mr. VV since he knows the area better than me. As he was asking where exactly I was, I spotted a Starbucks (which are normally every single 2 inches in San Francisco). I was like “Success, found a Starbucks, walking over call you back.” I wait impatiently for the stupid red lights which were TAUNTING MY BLADDER. I crossed the street, walked in and realized it’s a GODDAMN kiosk, not a real Starbucks with a bathroom!
Livid I call Mr. VV back and was like “This is the stupidest situation ever, that Starbucks had no bathroom!!!!” He asked me what streets I was on, I told him and he said hang on gonna find somewhere on my phone. I started walking down the street away from the water side of the Embarcadero, and spotted a Subway Sandwich shop.
I walked in triumphant once again, only to realize this too was a farce. No bathroom. I even asked the girl at the counter and she said there wasn’t one. I decided I should just pee my pants. Hell, I was wearing a black trenchcoat, no one would even notice. Alas, I couldn’t.
Mr. VV called me back and told me to keep walking away from water and that I should see another Starbucks and maybe a Chipotle. Finally I DO see another Starbucks. I rushed over only to discover YET AGAIN PEOPLE, that it’s another kiosk with no bathroom! O.O What on earth happened to all the bathrooms in this godforsaken city?
I rushed out (possibly definitely saying the F-word really loudly) and then I saw on the other side of the street another Starbucks. I crossed over and saw indeed there was a bathroom inside!! It had a lock where you needed the password though of course. And of course there were people in line. Finally I got up to the counter and when the guy asked what I wanted I said “I need a chocolate chip cookie and the pin number to the bathroom.” He told me and thank god it was open and clean and I could pee to my hearts content. At that point I didn’t care if it was the filthiest bathroom on planet earth, I would have gone on the floor if I had privacy.
By the time I got back to the train and on my way home it was already 4:35. I would have been at my train stop by 4:20 normally, but because of this fiasco I didn’t get there until 5:00. Seems as though I could have in fact waited.